Herpes

I still get angry often

I blame you for so many things

You’re the reason I’m single

The reason I push people away

The reason I take pills every day

The reason I feel so fucking alone

Sometimes,  I blame you because he didn’t fall in love with me

A part of me will always do that

That’s the only thing I know isn’t your fault

I blame you anyway.

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Seconds

Counting doesn’t make it easier. I don’t know why I do it. Tick tock…5 weeks, 3 days

It doesn’t lessen the hurt.

It doesn’t make it worse either.

I realize that regardless of the heartache, I am okay without him.

And that he’s okay without me, too.

I wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he misses me.

I wonder if my sadness is normal.

The man that said he couldn’t imagine a world in which he never saw my smile or heard my laughter finds himself in that world.

And life goes on for him.

Life goes on for me.

As it should.

 

Again

I trusted him, and he hurt me again.

Two days ago. I asked Javier how many women he did with what he does with me. He assured me there was no one else he’s doing anything with.

Yesterday, he called me a few minutes after I met up with my best friend for drinks.  We talked. Laughed. Hung up.

Then she told me there was something she knew but couldn’t tell me. My heart sank. Not again, I thought. I didn’t want to go back to how I felt when I found out he had been cheating,  lying, and living with someone else!

I didn’t ask her for specifics. I just asked if it was the same thing. She said yes. That yes prompted my text to him.

“Please don’t call me or text me anymore. I’m done.”

We had just spent the weekend together!! With my family!!!!

His response? “Huh?? Was that for me??”

I didn’t answer.

I owe him NO explanation!

He’s a smart man. He can put two and two together.

My best friend is his sister in law’s sister.

By now, he knows that text WAS meant for him and he know WHY!!

Today, I asked.

I had to know.

He was STILL living with his girlfriend up until 2 weeks ago when she found out he was cheating and got another woman pregnant!!

What an asshole!

This time, it was almost completely my fault. Reminds me of that saying: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

He lied, he cheated, he moved in with another woman. I found out and forgave him.

Too easily.

He seemed sincere in his apologies.  His tears were real. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me or the way his touch felt. Lies. LIES!

How could I have been so blind?

I thought for sure that he would never hurt me after seeing how hurt I was.

I guess he’s just a good liar.

Maybe I am just stupid.

No more, Javier.

You’re not welcome here any longer.

 

 

Moments

He was in town a few days ago, and we met up for drinks. He touched my arm and apologized.  I didn’t mind, but what was I supposed to say?

At the bar, he looked at me longingly and took the opportunity to touch my arms, leg and hands. He leaned over to kiss me a few times, and I let him.

I touched his leg a few times.

I wanted to do more.

That led to him spending the night. It felt so good to fall asleep in his arms.

Time comes and goes too fast.

He told me he can’t leave me alone. I don’t know what that means, so I asked, but his answer didn’t clear much up.

“I just can’t!! I care about you way too much. I’m selfish and the person you are to me, what you mean to me is too much. If you need to find a boyfriend, so be it but I can’t have you not in my life. I can’t take the thought of not being able to hear you laugh or see you smile.”

A day later, I thought back to how I couldn’t understand how he could be okay with living a life without me in it, and I thought knowing he can’t would make me feel better. It didn’t.

He would be okay with me having a boyfriend?!

When I asked him. He said, “No. But what else can I do.”

I don’t understand him.

Some tell me to stop letting him come in and out of my life as he chooses, but I can’t.

Maybe someday, I’ll be able to let him go, but for now, if all I can have are some of his moments,  I’ll take them.

I HATE HERPES

Highs and lows. That’s life.

Today was an emotional day. Javier is distraught because he fears he has herpes.

One of his texts said he wants to kill himself.  When we spoke, I asked him to promise me he wouldn’t.  He promised he wouldn’t.

I hate that he feels sad, lonely, unworthy of love, and even though this isn’t about me, I don’t think he realizes how hurtful some of his words are.

I asked him why he felt unworthy of love, and his response was, “Cause I have this!!”

Is that what he thinks of me? Is that why he left? Cause he thinks I’m unworthy of his love?

He called me, inconsolable.  I have no words that will make his fear or sadness go away.

When we talked, we spoke more about this, and he asked, “Why do you think you’re alone?”

My heart sank.

I blurted out, “Because I don’t want to tell people I have herpes!”

Then I told him that I have friends in both happy and unhappy relationships that have it, and that I’m alone by choice.

But he may be right. I choose to be alone, and I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to be hurt again. But what if it’s because I fear rejection once I tell someone I have herpes?

He sobbed and apologized for being insensitive.

My heart hurt for him and it broke with his words.

I wish I could make this go away. I wish I could comfort him, take away his sadness and fear.

I can do nothing but hope and pray that he doesn’t have this dreaded disease.

All of the feelings I felt the day the test came back positive flow through my body once again. Like Javier said, “It’s such a beautiful day, and I am so sad.”

My world is dark. My heart is in pieces.

I wish I knew what my purpose on this earth is. Right now, all I want is to fall asleep and never wake up, but tonight, sleep won’t come easily.

Our conversation plays over and over in my head.

He said he wants kids. I told him he can still have them if he has herpes.

He said it angered him that I have this because I’m such a good person.

(There’s a misconception at it’s best. Herpes doesn’t choose.)

He said he hates how he feels about it.

He compared it to AIDS.

He cried loudly throughout the entire time that we spoke. I mostly listened, not knowing what to say, tears flowing down my cheeks. Numb.

He said his friend asked about me recently. I haven’t seen any of his friends since way before we broke up last November.  Then through tears, he said about his friends, “They really love you. Charles thinks you’re the sweetest. He loves you, Tony loves you, and…I love you, too.”

That broke my heart even more.

I wish he loved me the way I love him. I wish he loved me enough to stay! I wish he saw me instead of a woman he fears to be intimate with. A leper.

He’s going to the doctor on Thursday. I hope the test comes back negative.

I asked him if he hates me. He said no.

I asked him if he’s going to hate me if the test comes back positive. He said, “I don’t know. I hope not.”

I hate herpes!!!!!

Today, I am so fucking sad!

Happiness

My happiness comes from doing things that fulfill me. It comes from knowing my family has health, spending time with family and friends, seeing my loved ones smile, hearing them laugh, and knowing they’re okay.

My happiness comes from exercising, having a job that I enjoy, working towards my goals, being the best version of myself, thinking positively, helping others, taking pictures, and doing the best in everything I do.

I am grateful for all of these things.

I am happy.

🙂