Highs and lows. That’s life.
Today was an emotional day. Javier is distraught because he fears he has herpes.
One of his texts said he wants to kill himself. When we spoke, I asked him to promise me he wouldn’t. He promised he wouldn’t.
I hate that he feels sad, lonely, unworthy of love, and even though this isn’t about me, I don’t think he realizes how hurtful some of his words are.
I asked him why he felt unworthy of love, and his response was, “Cause I have this!!”
Is that what he thinks of me? Is that why he left? Cause he thinks I’m unworthy of his love?
He called me, inconsolable. I have no words that will make his fear or sadness go away.
When we talked, we spoke more about this, and he asked, “Why do you think you’re alone?”
My heart sank.
I blurted out, “Because I don’t want to tell people I have herpes!”
Then I told him that I have friends in both happy and unhappy relationships that have it, and that I’m alone by choice.
But he may be right. I choose to be alone, and I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to be hurt again. But what if it’s because I fear rejection once I tell someone I have herpes?
He sobbed and apologized for being insensitive.
My heart hurt for him and it broke with his words.
I wish I could make this go away. I wish I could comfort him, take away his sadness and fear.
I can do nothing but hope and pray that he doesn’t have this dreaded disease.
All of the feelings I felt the day the test came back positive flow through my body once again. Like Javier said, “It’s such a beautiful day, and I am so sad.”
My world is dark. My heart is in pieces.
I wish I knew what my purpose on this earth is. Right now, all I want is to fall asleep and never wake up, but tonight, sleep won’t come easily.
Our conversation plays over and over in my head.
He said he wants kids. I told him he can still have them if he has herpes.
He said it angered him that I have this because I’m such a good person.
(There’s a misconception at it’s best. Herpes doesn’t choose.)
He said he hates how he feels about it.
He compared it to AIDS.
He cried loudly throughout the entire time that we spoke. I mostly listened, not knowing what to say, tears flowing down my cheeks. Numb.
He said his friend asked about me recently. I haven’t seen any of his friends since way before we broke up last November. Then through tears, he said about his friends, “They really love you. Charles thinks you’re the sweetest. He loves you, Tony loves you, and…I love you, too.”
That broke my heart even more.
I wish he loved me the way I love him. I wish he loved me enough to stay! I wish he saw me instead of a woman he fears to be intimate with. A leper.
He’s going to the doctor on Thursday. I hope the test comes back negative.
I asked him if he hates me. He said no.
I asked him if he’s going to hate me if the test comes back positive. He said, “I don’t know. I hope not.”
I hate herpes!!!!!
Today, I am so fucking sad!